Amazing Conversations With Anyone - Part One
Change the game, change everything
A few months ago, I wrote an article talking about being System Smart as the third intelligence after being “street smart” and “book smart.” I believe anytime you have an Earthly flaw or problem, you can find a system to fix the issue, augment yourself, and turn a weakness into a strength. That belief makes me an eternal optimist about human capabilities and life itself. Every time I see someone who is bad at something, I would encourage him/her to come up with a system as a remedy.
In fact, I discovered two complementary systems to solve my social anxiety and hate for small talk. Today, I will write about the first system. Next time, I will write the second one.
Whether you have this problem or not, I hope it opens your mind about the invisible possibilities and solutions to your own problem.
Life of an Introvert
How do you feel about this meme?
If you have social anxiety and don’t like to party, you might think “that’s me!”
If you are an extravert who can’t relate to this guy, you might think “what a pathetic loser?”
But let me tell you a secret, this guy’s a hero. Because I can’t do what he does.
During parties, I can’t fathom standing there and watching others dance and talk, because I would be super self-conscious. I don’t want people to spot and judge me being alone. So this guy can stay in public with a smile by himself. He’s certainly better and braver than me.
In a way, I live in a household of conundrum. My wife Tracy, a forever extrovert, loves to host parties at our house. She gains energy by being among people. Me, an introvert, would rather put my head in an oven and butt in ice water at the same time, than hosting parties and entertaining guests. (As a cold plunge enthusiast, I actually do enjoy the latter.)
So when parties at my house started, I would first stay in my bedroom, say a prayer like the Gladiator palming through dirt before a battle to the death, put on some tiger balm lotion from Thailand as my invisible war paint, say “one, two, three” and open the door, into the tornado of greetings and smiles.
Every “hello” and hug were like the start of a duel with the enemy. Each “how is work” was like the screams of warriors knifing each other. Each smiling head nod was my fencing move to dodge the incoming sword. And each “I need to use the bathroom and I’ll be back” was my escape from the other person before he crushes my head with his own questions.
And bathrooms I did go, a lot! Not to pee, but to simply escape for a moment of tranquility and solitary recharge, before being forced to storm back into the torturous battles of small talk.
You might think I am being dramatic, and you would certainly be right. But at those moments, that’s how I felt.
Thus the life of an introvert, at least what it used to be like.
Wait, Me? Yes, Me
Before I go any further, you might be confused. You might be saying “wait! Aren’t you the guy who did 100 Days of Rejection Therapy? Didn’t you give a TED talk and speak constantly in front of large crowds? Can YOU, of anyone, have social anxiety?”
Well my friend, my nature and flaws are exactly the reason I came up with 100 Days of Rejection Therapy. If I don’t have the fear, why would I be looking for a remedy? Think about it, problems are the only impetus for invention. Almost all the most useful solutions I’ve come up with are based on my own problems and shortcomings.
As for public speaking, let me tell you, it requires completely different energy and skills from small talk at parties. I can, and still do, talk to an audience of 15,000 people without an ounce of fear. But when it comes to one-on-one chitchats, I’d rather hide in the chimney with the raccoons.
Solution #1 – Change the Game
But now, things are a little different. I figured out two ways to calm and solve my social anxiety problem. I am here to talk about solution #1.
In the book Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel, he wrote a chapter called “What Game Are You Playing,” in which he discussed that in the same stock market, you will have millions of people playing different games with their investments.
Some people are investing for retirement, which requires a time horizon of years and decades; some are day traders who move in and out of stocks at a moment’s notice; and some are institutional investors who trade based on pre-determined algorithms. All these people operate in the same market and trade with each other, but they have completely different incentives, strategies, and actions. You can only judge each trade based on their respective games.
He concludes, to play the game well, you have to know what game you are playing first.
What an awesome chapter! Although he was writing about investing, Morgan Housel installed a mindset in me to constantly analyze actions and moves I would make in everyday life.
What’s my game?
During small talks, I found that my game was either to find something interesting to talk about or simply to survive. They are not intellectually stimulating at all.
In the book How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie taught people to “be genuinely interested in others.” That’s where my problem lies. Frankly, I am simply not that interested in other people, which is one of my big flaws.
As a result, my energy constantly gets drained during the conversations. When they get stale, my internal alarm clock would ring, and I would start looking for exits.
I certainly can’t say “hey, you are boring as lettuce salad and see you later,” and just break off and run away. I would quickly run out of friends that way. That’s why I have frequent “visits to bathrooms” or “getting another drink” so I can find excuses to move on from this ordeal to the next.
In a way, this is a game I am bound to lose.
Change the Game
But what if I change the game? From something I am bad at—small talk, to something I can excel at—solving problems?
What if I set a goal before every conversation to figure out what problems the other person is facing, and how I can either provide some sort of solution, and thus add value to his/her life?
Now this mindset shift changes EVERYTHING!
Problem-solving is my job! Coming up with solutions and adding value is what I am born to do!
Now, before every conversation, my emotion went from dread to anticipation. Hey, I get to use my creativity to help someone!
And during conversations, instead of constantly trying to find something interesting to talk about or looking for ways to break off, I would be probing and asking intelligent questions about the other person’s life and work, trying to figure out what problem he’s facing. Like a doctor diagnosing a patient. It’s so much fun and intellectually challenging.
Now I can do what Dale Carnegie advocates: “being genuinely interested in other people.” And in return, the other person usually finds me a pretty good conversationalist because of how much interest I have in him/her.
In these types of situations, I rarely look for exits. In fact, talks can go very deep and we both have a great time. Sometimes a long time goes by, and someone else (usually a significant other waiting to go home) has to forcefully bring our talks to an end.
Conclusion:
Solution #1 to my social anxiety and hate for small talk is to change the game, from finding something interesting to talk about to finding what value I can contribute. Changing the game is literally a game-changer for me.
Do I still have social anxiety? Yes. But now I have my system to counter it, and my weakness became my strength.
Again, I don’t know if you share my problem, flaws, or predicament, but it doesn’t matter. Anything you can’t seem to succeed at or enjoy, try changing your own game and find your own position of winning.
If you struggle in sales, instead of worrying about making a sale and closing a deal, change the game to “how can I make sure the other person leaves the conversation with more value than she came in with?”
If you are resentful at work and fearing other people will steal credit from you, how about changing the game to “I am going to provide as much value to my team as possible, and see how many people would get credit because of me.”
If you struggle to ace job interviews and demonstrate you are the best fit for the company, how about changing your game to finding the company that fits YOU?
Now, you will have to probe and search what game works for you. I can’t promise the same game that works for me or others would work in your situation. But I can promise that you will find one that fits. The process of searching and implementing a new game is fun and exhilarating. If you are patient and resourceful, you will find an awesome game and miracle solutions in your own battles.
Next time, I will write solution #2. Believe it or not, it’s an even better solution.
Stay tuned and Merry Christmas!
I like this reframe. And the post comes at just the right time. Happy holidays 🥂
Thank you, Jia! That was incredible mindshift.